Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Guilty Hair Care - It's a Conspiracy!

I have a confession to make.
I sometimes feel guilty on behalf of my hair care products.

Maybe it’s just me (stop looking at me like that, internets; I may have broad, Teutonic farm girl shoulders but I cannot carry the collective weight of your accusatory stares!), but there’s an obvious inequity that occurs. I invariably run out of conditioner way faster than shampoo. Perhaps I over-condition my hair, or perhaps it’s a product design flaw. I mean, shampoo foams up, increasing in… mass? surface area? volume? I don’t know – clearly, I’m not all that scientifically minded (try not to be shocked). Whatever it is, I end up with more shampoo once I start scrubbing. Conditioner? Not so much. It’s the same pre- and post- scrub.

So if the second theory – product design flaw – holds true, then why is it that they sell shampoo and conditioner in the same size bottles? Another design flaw or fiendishly clever ruse on the consumer? You decide.  

Either way, I kind of feel bad for my hair care products. Some days I pity the shampoo for having to working harder/more efficiently than the conditioner, and because it might feel less important than conditioner because I don’t use as much – but fret not, shampoo! It’s because you’re better at what you do! Then I feel bad for the conditioner, because it’s not like I need it less. I mean, what good is squeaky clean hair without being smooth and  manageable? It’s a conundrum!

But the inequity doesn’t just apply to shampoo and conditioner. I use some leave-in hair products, too. There’s a Prep spray that’s you put on when your hair is wet and it presumably prepares your hair for whatever else you’re gonna do to it – hence the name. It’s supposed to make the thickening spray – which is what I really need, internets! – work better. See, I have weird hair. I know, I know… everyone says that but I’m actually right. I have a lot of hair – individual strands, that is – but they are baby fine, frictionless strands. En masse they feel really nice and silky, but the utter lack of body is really almost unforgivable. I mean, you know that little *pouf* that most people have in the bang area? (I heard it as soon as I typed it, internets, but you know what I was meanting so just stop it!) I have to work for that pouf, lest my bangs stay lifelessly molded to my forehead. And don’t get me started on hair accessories. A clip or barrette will work its way from the top of my skull to the nape of my neck in all of about 30 minutes. It’s ridiculous.

So… yeah. Leave-in hair care products.

The Prep spray and the Thickening spray come in the same size bottles. It feels like I spray about the same amount of each. Why wouldn’t I? It’s the same number of hairs I’m trying to cover, right? So why is it that I run out of the Prep a lot sooner than the Thickening spray?

I’m pretty sure it all points to a hair care product conspiracy.

No, seriously! Stick with me here. The Hair Care Product InequityTM results in a whole rigmarole of hair care product purchases. I have to make extra trips to ULTA or Sephora because I never run out of the previously aforementioned products at the same time. I can somewhat mitigate the issue with shampoo and conditioner as they come in large and jumbo bottles. The ratio isn’t exact, but I can often buy a regular shampoo and jumbo conditioner bottle and end up with similar this-stuff-is-all-used-up-and-I-need-more timeframes. But the rest just means more frequent trips which means I get bamboozled by some free-with-purchase scam or distractimicated by all the colors so they can whammy me with some new must-have shade of lip gloss or  glittery eyeliner.


And please – no musing on the whole hot dog/hot dog bun inequity. I don’t need you trivializing my beauty regimen woes, internets. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

My Loud Brain*

Help me, internets! I'm new to this whole public blogging thing and I'm not sure of the protocol. Do I introduce myself? It seems a bit, I don't know, sudden or presumptuous to just start spilling my thoughts onto the pixelated page.

But hey, there's a reason my name is Square Peg. I'm one of those grown ups who is old enough to know better, but frequently doesn't act that way. I'm waiting for that awkward moment when I enter a room and it literally reverts to grade school (instead of that metaphorical "High School Never Ends" state we all know and love loathe), with everyone pointing at me, saying, "Look at you, ya big FAKER!"

Yes, I'm an awkward teenager in a grown up suit.

(Those of you who know me IRL shaddup! Your help is not helpful!)


I'm noticing as I type this that my brain is a noisy place. I guess that's the double-edged sword of being a music-based life form. A couple of key words and suddenly *BAM!* I've got a lyrics snippet in my head, which turns into a full-blown song and then I get all distractimicated (yes, internets, that's what I meant to type) by the song in my mental jukebox.

And if it's not music, then it's a quote from a movie/TV show/comedian. I hear Eddie Izzard in my head a lot with his oh-so-British "I-don't-know-how-to-wrap-this-up" phrase... So, yeah.

Occasionally it's Jerry Seinfeld and his "Ever notice how... blah blah observational comedy schtick here."

So yes, it's loud inside my brain. And now maybe by sharing this, some of it will rub off on you, internets.



I mean, "You're welcome."

*So as you can see, internets, I didn't mean my brain is loud is the same way that chartreuse, fuchsia and purple plaid is loud. I don't know why I felt the need to clarify, but there you have it.